ktbabe3724 (ktbabe3724) wrote in what_i_think,

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Not necessarily related to "depression" but...

I know that this isn't essentially entirely a "depression related topic." However, it somewhat is for me as each of my relationships has resulted of and evolved during the different stages of my depression whether it be as I was sinking lower, staying low, attempting to come back up, being up, falling back down... and the many other stages related with depression. But here is my question, hopefully without giving an entire messed-up background I can get some advice on it... Love is hard enough but to mix depression adds to it... Even later on when depression has subsided and we wish we could have trusted what we felt long ago......

On New Years of '05 I broke up with a boyfriend of 2+ years. Within a few weeks a guy revealed he had liked me just prior to me breaking up with my prior boyfriend. I still believe that I brokeup with my boyfriend out of depression angst and a need to change something drastic in order to help myself from the depths which I had found myself. This new guy made me sooooo incredibly happy. And he still does a year later. While he and I were somewhat "dating" I was still "seeing" my ex whom I had very strong ties since he had been there through my depression in the "beginning." Both the ex and the guy I was dating knew of each other and what was going on, though neither objected. Unfortunately, as I look back, I wish I would not have still been hung up on my ex. I graduated from high school along with this new object of affection though he claimed to love me and I didn't know what to say to it. Being depressed left me incredibly confused as to what feelings were real, what feelings were familiar and therefore easy to claim, what feelings were fake, and so on. I'm sure most of you are familiar with this. With regard to everyone's feelings I just assumed to not jump into a single relationship. I had SEVERAL reasons for not jumping into a relationship the biggest being my depression and next being that I would be moving to Arizona in that August of '05. Time went on and I remained hung up ever so slightly on my ex and also still falling for this new guy. I moved to Arizona and my relationship with my ex got even worse while the relationship with this new guy was even more close than before. The distance made my heart grow fonder. And upon moving to Arizona my depression got better, I got off of my anti-depressants and was happy and free. Of course moving to college I've had my fair share of random makeout sessions with guys. But still, I was hung up on my ex while still fighting with him, but even more hung up on this guy I never declared a boyfriend. Around November he got a new girlfriend. And over Thanksgiving break things were awkward because the urge to cuddle and hold hands and kiss was still there. We did not kiss but held hands and cuddled. Then came winter break. Things were fine except for the strong urges to be closer. Little things would happen but nothing big. But two drunken friends left alone on new years ended up creating a very nice opportunity for him to cheat on his gf. And he did. Three times. He says he only wishes he weren't drunk, not that we hadn't had sex. That was confusing enough, especially when he decided to not tell his gf. Things were very awkward and hard to deal with until we eventually just stopped talking about it and pretended it never happened. However, this last week, I flew back up to Washington to hang out with him and a couple of other HS friends. Monday night, while laying in bed together, he held me, cuddled with me, held my hand, and kissed me. Yet, he still does not tell his girlfriend. Originally I thought not to bring it up, but unfortunately I love him. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. These words have been exchanged. Though never "I love you," "I love you too," face too face. Face to face it has been in fleeting and implying and texts and instant messaging has brought these words out as well. However, I decided to send him a message about how I felt and how confusing it all was to still love him and be messing around with him. It took him awhile to respond but when he did it essentially said he loves me too but doesn't want our friendship messed up because of it and that we are too comfortable with each other. What am I to do with that? I know we live 1600 miles away from each other but... I really don't know.

Anyone, Anyone, Anyone have ANY advice?
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