ktbabe3724 (ktbabe3724) wrote in what_i_think,
ktbabe3724
ktbabe3724
what_i_think

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abandonment

i feel like he abandoned me. had we been married, what would he have done? requested divorce papers? things got really tough and he bowed out. i'm now receiving help and he just backs out, plays chicken, and goes elsewhere for whatever he thinks he needs or wants. he says it is not him that hurts me. then what? he DID hurt me and he continues to... with his denial of how badly i hurt and his continuation of "i'm still there for you as much as i always have been..." he abandoned me. we got into a huge fight last night about it... and he said "goodbye katherine." he said that long ago. he gave up on me. fucking depression tore us apart. but then again, he was not strong enough to deal with it. now i mush search for a man strong enough to deal with me AND my depression. he gave up, and abandoned me. he wants to be friends. he wants the benefit of that good feeling inside of helping someone without actually getting close to the situation. well, i'm sorry, but the only people that can be there for me are those who are willing to get into the situation. otherwise they do NOT understand. he does NOT understand me. i am not supposed to make big decisions... and i made a big decision that night. it's too bad that he was waiting, just WAITING for me to break up with him. i swear... because he didn't want me back... abandoned me.... gave up... HURT me. just like my dad did... when things got tough he wanted to just not be there for me anymore... robin just wants that benefit of "i'm not REALLY abandoning you..." but he was the last thing making me happy. i can't even smile when people make jokes. i'm bitter and unhappy... i want to take the rest of those sedatives and sleep... sleep... sleep...

but i want him there for me... i'm just afraid that in his being there for me i will just continue to love him and long for him and never get over him like i must. because i must realize we are never to be. i'd never trust him to stay strong for me... like he doesn't trust what i say to be true about how i'm feeling... like i don't trust his ability to just say "no" to girls who can offer him what i didn't.
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