ktbabe3724 (ktbabe3724) wrote in what_i_think,

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an epiphany quoted from my hand-written journal...

"i'm getting a chance to be "me" again. Eighteen. 18. 10 and 8. Dieciocho. XVIII. A teenager. From getting massively depressed over a year ago, to working like crazy for track, softball, and the play, to working my ass off this summer at the bank, and at volleyball, having my boyfriend cheat on me and then ask me to marry him, to us breaking it off 3 days later because the motives were wrong, to me almost getting pregnant, to me starting school and having my depression get massively worse, to dealing with a stupid volleyball team and then not going to state, back to dealing with a stupid volleyball team, and then more depression, dealing with a boyfriend pushing and pulling (though only out of the good and kindness of his beautiful heart) and then him always disappearing with another girl, up to me getting so depressed i dumped him, to me getting "help" again, quadrupling my meds, him getting "with" the girl who he lied about, to me finding out he had a crush on his 'sister.' to me begging for him back and him saying no AND the vice versa... it all leads here. me going back to being immature, selfish, crazy, crushing, and free! i get to be ME. MY OWN AGE!!! no more of all of that grown up shit for another 8 months. it will all hang out, balls to the walls, pedal to the metal, this is me just going for me! and i am loving it. i will no longer hear him tell me "you're not being you" "that's not funny" "that's immature" etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... fuck him! so what if you're 20! i am NOT. i CAN act crqazy and out there and hyper! that IS me an di always had to hide it from you. it scared you. tough shit! and now?! fun, fun fun... =)"
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