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this is YOUR life...

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[15 Jul 2008|10:08pm]

Tonight i have nothing to do, I got off work and i decieded to call Simo he works late mostly but a lot of the time he ansers his phone.  He didn't this time and i was expecting him to call me back. Yet he didn't . Simo
 he's my boyfriend, lover(not yet), soul mate and good friend. Oh and my student, He's from Morroco and he speaks arabic a lot better than he does english soooo im helping him with that .So back to what i was saying   h didnt call me back..well yet anyway. Pretty depressing for me because i was looking forward to talking to him all day then probally going out or something. Im sure everything is fine with him though he probally got held up with a lot of paperwork i assume.Nonetheless im here all alone.

            Time tells.............                                                                                                                                                     Tiffanie

haha ur funny but 
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all over again [02 Oct 2006|11:48pm]

[ mood | scared ]

so a year ago i decided to get off my meds. and i did.

and i desperately wanted to be ok. and mostly, i was.

but now? i'm absolutely drowning. i have no perception of emotion in or out of myself.

but meds? they absolutely scare me. they make me not so me... at least that's how i began to feel about them.

i just need to think that they just might be able to give me a chance to get better.

because school, work, and relationships are beginning to fail... that's when i know it's time to finally see someone again.

but seeing someone means i just might need to go on meds again. and i'm so terrified of not feeling...

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Restlessness: [15 Apr 2006|02:18am]

[ mood | restless ]

My latest blogCollapse )

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Not necessarily related to "depression" but... [20 Mar 2006|08:05pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I know that this isn't essentially entirely a "depression related topic." However, it somewhat is for me as each of my relationships has resulted of and evolved during the different stages of my depression whether it be as I was sinking lower, staying low, attempting to come back up, being up, falling back down... and the many other stages related with depression. But here is my question, hopefully without giving an entire messed-up background I can get some advice on it... Love is hard enough but to mix depression adds to it... Even later on when depression has subsided and we wish we could have trusted what we felt long ago......

Trusting a Depressed MindCollapse )

Anyone, Anyone, Anyone have ANY advice?

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and she falls again... [31 Oct 2005|10:51pm]

[ mood | hopeless ]

i hate this. this feeling. it's here again. hopeless, alone, and just plain shitty... and i can't do anything about it. and why am i upset? i go up and down again... but i can't start back on those damn meds, i can't go back to those doctors, i have to do it by myself. and there it is: me alone. what do i do? i'm sitting here and wishing i wasn't. i wish people wanted to spend time with ME. wanted to seek ME out and hang out wiht ME. selfish? so what? everyone wants to be around other people and to be wanted and loved and sought out and... but i'm not. i put on the happy face, i smile, i do everything right... and nothing. it's just so damn hard. at least when i was home and in my room by myself or laying on the couch, there were people all around me. even if they are people i cannot stand and have run away from... and when i went to school the next day i was surrounded by people who i know and who knew me and we had fun. who cares how much i may have hated them or how much they may have hated me. the surface was awesome and we never had to get any deeper than taht sometimes and that's okay sometimes. maybe i jus thad to realize that... god life sucks right now......... i need to finish this spanish and take a deep breath and.... i don't fucking know. i need someone to cheer me up. or someone to come to me w/ their problems so i don't have to think about mine. i can't believe that i sit here jealous as fuck because of someone i say i don't want. it's probably because i want him. you'd think, right? i've nowhere to turn, no one to turn to, i'm so fucking alone... i have homework to do and i should fucking do it but all i really want to do is continue crying and lay in bed and just sleep it all away. sleep till it's all gone and someone wants me that i know i want. that i know i'm not gonna get "stuck" with. someone i don't feel "stuck" with... someone i'm not scared of... this feeling of being alone never leaves me. this feeling of sadness never goes away. and internally, i never stop crying... it's just that now, it's leaking to the surface...

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life isn't as bad as i've made it out to be... [29 Oct 2005|05:46pm]

[ mood | optimistic ]

so it's been a few weeks... a lot has happened since then. heck, at one point i even wrote a really long-ass blog (i think this was about 2 weeks ago) describing all that had happened but y'all know how myspace goes and sometimes it just stops working... well, i went to hit post and myspace stopped working and even hitting "back" just didn't do the trick. so all was lost. it's okay though, i blogged everything out of my system and started to feel a lil' bit better.

ANYWAYS-- lots of changesCollapse )

so i did go home last weekend. wow that was... interesting. fought w/ robin pretty much the whole time. so that really really really blew big time. got to party a lil' bit though on friday... that was cool getting to see my friends and shit. but goign back home reminded me why i left, and why i was depressed. since i got here i have completely weaned myself off of the lexapro and have not taken a single dose for probably a month now. it's amazing and absolutely empowering to think that i'm finally "me." even though i don't like "me" sometimes.... especially since i still do have depression and am always fearful of "the drop" and how high up i get sometimes and.... but also, having bipolar tendencies in my depression probably is what keeps me going... i know that sooner or later i'm gonna have to go back to the other pole right? hahaha... okay, maybe not such a laughing matter when i can't get my ass outta bed because i feel so worthless and alone and like living isn't worth it and even dying is too much work... but also the politics of naselle... like when i went to the adna tournament on that saturday... i got sooooooooo depressed. everything from my life in naselle was brought back in an instant. damn people. this fucking family can't get it together. and it's not even mine. but why do they fucking have to blame everyone else, and fuck up everyone else's life just so they can try to feel superior? it's not our fault they were never educated and therefore feel inferior to teachers and the whole masses that are ahead of them... fuck them and i wish them nothing but the shit hole of pessimistic blindness they've thrown themselves in. but ANYWAYS... it was nice to see my friends. i LOVE you guys and MISS y'all SOOOOOO much!!! =( but being back in my house w/ the fightin massses wasn't fun either... what am i gonna do when i'm home for winter break in 6 weeks!?!?! ugh... gonna drink myself into a stuper probably... or maybe two weeks prior to going start back on the lexapro... ick. i have no idea. we'll just see what happens. but also, robin might have to live w/ me then too... we'll see how THAT situation goes. he did stay at my house this last weekend. boy was that weird when i walket din the house around 2 AM drunk and having just kissed carl... =) yeah, i'm a ho. but not as much of a ho as carl... =P just ask him... HAHAHAA!!!

the new dormCollapse )

hmmm..... what else? so much probably but my head fucking hurts. yeah... i'm sick again. how stupid is that? probably just the allergies/the switch back into dry from going to the washignton wet and... that's always done me in. but it's been a week since i went back home so... i have no idea. but i did get back only 5 days ago but... still... it fucking sucks.

but honestly guys? life isn't that bad. that last blog woudl make ya think otherwise but i was soooo drunk and upset when i wrote it... and later on i was able to just up and tell hayley what a selfish little girl i think she is and she wanted to cry... and i dind'te even YELL at her or anything. just looked at her and said it and even asked her if she thought i was wrong... i got NO argument... strange... but it was nice to be right for once... haha... but life down here is hella nice... this week was hella weird but really good. i ran into so many people and did some hella cool stuff... school sucks... man does school sucks. but that goes for anytime anywhere right? i just need to really buckle down these last 6 weeks of school... isn't that hella wekrd though!?!?! 6 weeks till finals. scary though as well... AAAAHHHH!!!!! but i haven't gotten homesick. not even once. sometimes i feel hella lonely down here but i don't ever just wanna up and go back home. and especially after being home i don't think i want to. i'm just really hoping i can live w/ sheena this summer... that'd make things a lil' easier.

some changes, good and bad... and i'm learning to dealCollapse )

~peace out life is GREAT! =)

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[01 Oct 2005|03:26am]

tonight i got so drunk... and then so upset... and i cried. cried so damn hard and i'd like to do it again, right now. and i just might. why am i such a fucking doormat? i've never been this before. thank god for megan and hubie and robin. and fuck hayley and scott. but i swear scott could have a billion chances. why? cuz i'm an idiot and desperate and all that good shit. but hayley? lost her chances. fuck her, and all that she's about. whatever. have you ever been absolutely exausted but knew that you won't sleep? that's me... and it sucks. fucking sucks. i need sleep. but i also need someone to talk to.... i think i'll try to cry my drunk ass to sleep... this nite fucking ended upsucking. WHY did i invite that bitch!!??!?!?!
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so lonely....... so obsessed....... so- depressed [23 Sep 2005|02:34am]

[ mood | lonely ]

have you ever just been absolutely obsessed with someone? okay, i think we all have. whether it has been a movie star, front man to a rock group, or someone real... we've all had our obsessions. what about someone you don't even know, and don't even really like. i've got that. it's awful. i met this guy, hung out all nite... then we met up again, hung out... then 2 hours later made out for over two hours... then he said he just wasn't feelin it anymore... well, whatever. too bad, i was already hooked. he's not even that cute!!! and he's not even that good of a kisser. so then i IMed him, and he eventually in a very round about way, invited me up to his room. okay, he was in nothing but his boxers. then i went up there and sat in the chair. he invited me into his bed. then invited me to lay with him after i sat at the end of the bed. then while we were laying there he asked if i was cold and then pulled me under the covers with him, wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on mine... nice. perfect. i LOVE cuddling.. and eventually we were making out and wrestling around and he'd pulled me on top of him and all this shit was happening and i just kept having to tell him "no." "don't kiss me lower than the stomach" "no you're not taking my shirt off" "no, you're not taking your pants off." only later to have him tell me he wasn't REALLY going to do any of that. i've no clue. he's so damn difficult to read... whatever. i think i have two problems here. one being, of course, that i hate to lose. so the fact that he's out w/ some other girl tonite, which i unfortunately saw, really sucks and the fact that he never IMs me really sucks and the fact that he just doesn't want me REALLY REALLY SUCKS! it means i lost. whatever right? but i'm also so god damn lonely. it's awful. i don't know anyone down here and all these other people who have moved here have friends galore already. not i. what have i done? for one, i thought i was going to get moved to a new dorm so i never really started being social. dumb dumb dumb move on my part. and for two? i don't think there is a for two besides the fact that i just haven't been all that social. why??? i don't know. i need people. i'm so fucking people-oriented... and to finally have that connection with someone, even just physical, was incredible. and to have to lose it so quickly. i thought i was doing okay without it. then to have it and lose it makes it so bad because you see where you could be. and now i'm back here. and it sucks. i'm so fucking lonely that this guy who isn't even that great just has to kiss me a few times to make me obsessed with him. i want to talk to him, be around him, kiss him, be held by him... it's sick. because, like i said, he's not that great.. he's so weird, could be a liar, not that cute....... he said he doesn't like the fact that girls are always attracted to him for reasons they don't know, because then he has to hurt them. well, why the fuck did he kiss me then? why did we randomly hook up? twice? he doesn't know. he didn't feel bad for me because he made the move that first nite we made out. but i'm so fucking lonely. and that makes me want someone who shows any kind of affection, terribly. and yes terribly, because it's in a bad way. i should not want him. i should not check my AIM to see if he's there... i should hold out and see if he IMs me. but he won't. i know he won't. i should probably start back up on my meds... i feel that depressed. this probably just pushed me over though. my birthday is saturday and i'm terrified that i will be spending it alone. absolutely terrified. i'm terrified that no one here will care to remember. nor when they remember will they care to hang out w/ me and make it a good day for me. i just am getting too depressed w/out having people to be with all the time... patience katie, have patience. have patience, think good thoughts, and get your ass out there and meet people... talk to people, go places, invite yourself and invite others...... i just don't know about all this... hopefully it doesn't turn into being homesick.

-- and to think that at this point last week i was going to stop writing in this journal, and start a new me sort of journal... because i had had 5 such good fucking weeks... no pills, no crying for nor reason, no excessive sleeping... it was amazing. and now i feel it slipping away... i must stay strong, i must be optimistic, and i must must must go out and find people to be my friend.

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Be aware, be very aware... [16 Sep 2005|02:45pm]

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Photobucket [10 May 2005|07:46am]

This is a test post from Photobucket.com
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Mom killer has her own LJ... RE: Reposting choice bits from LJ's everywhere.. [11 Mar 2005|09:54am]

[ mood | bored ]

Yea it's becomming something of a fad for some - looking for "pseudo celebrity" LJ's. I thought I had too much time on my hands...

Xposted in a few places of relevance.



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Answer to the question, "What do you do to make a statement in your life?" [10 Mar 2005|10:14pm]

To make a statement in my life I am trying to be as "me" as I possibly can. It does seem to be an interesting concept, even one that people deem "cliche." However, it is what I am doing to make a statement. There is a part of me I wish wasn't so prominent. I am one of those people who takes medication to function each and every day; two pills to sleep at night, and two pills to make sure my days aren't filled with holographic sadness, anxiety, and anger. I get up each day, and fight off what the medications can't, and with that I am making a statement. I surround myself with people who can make me laugh and smile, and do what I can to return the morsels of happiness. I do random things like grab people and dance with them, start singing, skip across the room, and laugh exaggeratingly at lame jokes. With each random act, each giggle, and each day, I do what I can to make a statement.
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Thus Spoke Zarathustra [08 Mar 2005|01:40pm]

[ mood | unknown ]

Help Me Up, Eric Clapton, Motion Picture Soundtrack- RUSH, 1992

Are you going to help me or will you let me down?
I'm looking for a true love but am I lost or found?
And will we cry in passion or will we cry in pain?
And will our lonely teardrops fill the world with rain?

Help me up, don't you let me down.
I'm gonna wake up in heaven, not the cold, cold ground.

Can't you hear the lovers crying in the night?
They spend their whole lives trying; still can't get it right.
I don't know where we're going but I guess we'll start
And just to show that I mean it, baby here's my heart.


Living on my feelings, feelings all I know.
Baby once we touch it, we'll never let it go.

Repeat First Verse



Just thought I'd throw out an obscure bone to a few places and see who barks...


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an epiphany quoted from my hand-written journal... [16 Feb 2005|04:49pm]

[ mood | free to be me! ]

"i'm getting a chance to be "me" again. Eighteen. 18. 10 and 8. Dieciocho. XVIII. A teenager. From getting massively depressed over a year ago, to working like crazy for track, softball, and the play, to working my ass off this summer at the bank, and at volleyball, having my boyfriend cheat on me and then ask me to marry him, to us breaking it off 3 days later because the motives were wrong, to me almost getting pregnant, to me starting school and having my depression get massively worse, to dealing with a stupid volleyball team and then not going to state, back to dealing with a stupid volleyball team, and then more depression, dealing with a boyfriend pushing and pulling (though only out of the good and kindness of his beautiful heart) and then him always disappearing with another girl, up to me getting so depressed i dumped him, to me getting "help" again, quadrupling my meds, him getting "with" the girl who he lied about, to me finding out he had a crush on his 'sister.' to me begging for him back and him saying no AND the vice versa... it all leads here. me going back to being immature, selfish, crazy, crushing, and free! i get to be ME. MY OWN AGE!!! no more of all of that grown up shit for another 8 months. it will all hang out, balls to the walls, pedal to the metal, this is me just going for me! and i am loving it. i will no longer hear him tell me "you're not being you" "that's not funny" "that's immature" etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... fuck him! so what if you're 20! i am NOT. i CAN act crqazy and out there and hyper! that IS me an di always had to hide it from you. it scared you. tough shit! and now?! fun, fun fun... =)"

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[23 Jan 2005|10:22pm]

[ mood | confused ]

oh lord help me to just stop this nonsense. then again... the lord led claire to robin... yeah-- whatever. jesus christ!!! i am never more angry than when i talk to him. i get so mad and i call him names and i tell him he's stupid and that i hate him and i KNOW none of it's true... that i'll just take it back... but what can i do? i just need to try not to talk to him. i mean, i made it 4 days... thursday, friday, saturday... oh wait-- that's less than 3 days. GOD!!! but HE contacted me yesterday. and i contacted him today... i'm such a naive retard!! oh man... he just makes me more mad and more mad and... GRRRRR!!!!!! i need someone to hold me though. someone... anyone... DAMMIT! i just need to try to keep going... but i miss being held so damn much. i have another psych appointment tomorrow... 6 pm... i just hope it will be okay and i won't have a breakdown afterwards like i have the last 2 times... then again, i had a breakdown tonight too... cried in the shower for about 15 minutes... i wish i was stronger... he just doesn't tell me anything different. stupid me... i just feel like whit when i talk to him. yet i do it anyways... what's wrong with me?!?

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[16 Jan 2005|09:22pm]

i have no idea if this was too soon... if this was worded wrong... if anything... i just felt like i needed contact with him... probably bad that i gave in huh? whatever... it happens... i just hope he doesn't write back and i end up feeling like shit again... because i've actually been in the "okay" to "happy" range so... i don't want him to give a response that ruins it... yet i don't know what response wouldn't ruin it... WHAT AM I DOING!!!??? oh well...

From: David Klinger <deepriver@willapabay.org>
Date: Sun Jan 16, 2005 9:02:10 PM US/Pacific
To: Robin Andrea II <robinandrea_2@yahoo.com>
Subject: a "how do you do?"


i hope you're okay and the whole whatnot... i'm doing good. it seems you probably still have me blocked on msn... i just kind of want to know how you're doing. i want to know if you're okay. email me... im me... comment on my lj... i know that email i sent you was huge and had a lot to it... especially stuff i KNOW you disagree with. i'm pretty much ready to just forget the why's and how's and when's and be friends now... slowly at first though. i don't want to just jump into anything. saturday i was finally happy for a whole day and it was amazing... it had been a LOOOOONG time since i actually say i had a good day... 100% good day and that i was HAPPY. and i was just waiting for that... so... if you're ready to try this friends thing i am... just... let me know, okay? i still love and care about you so... needless to say, i'm worried since i haven't heard from you, but i'm sure you're doing great. anyways... i was just wanting to make some sort of contact with you. and if you're not ready, that's fine. whenever you want to... but no email describing the last 2 weeks of your life with every detail... just... nonmajor stuff at first, ya know?

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apology [16 Jan 2005|07:20pm]

i would like to apologize for my gargantuous entries in theses here forums... unfortunately i can't get the lj-cut feature to work for me!!! argh! if someone could possibly let me know what my problem could be that would be excellent... :-) again... sorry for the giant posts...
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[16 Jan 2005|01:46pm]

Hi my name is Maria, and I feel very lost right now. I feel like I don't belong in this kind of life. Lately I haven't been happy at all. My family keeps on fighting with me every day, my dad wants to contact me when I don't want to see him at all (my parents are divorced) after all the shit he did, my brother's abusive to me, and I have a room that is used as a walkway and a storage room with my mom's shit. My brother's room, you have to go through my room to get to his room, which makes me have very little privacy. And the shit in my room makes me claustrophobic. I try to tell my mom to get rid of her shit, but she won't listen.

Also, I feel very lonely and depressed. Mainly it's because I have been single for ywo years now. Also I don't have alot of friends and I dun talk to em alot about my problems cuz they're either busy, dun pay attention to my problems, or I dun trust em.

I also hate where I live and have to deal with living in this dump every single day. I am also trying to get a job, but no one will hire me just because I go to school (I'm a college freshman). It makes me very upset and lowers my self-esteem to rock bottom.

I just feel like running away. Sometimes think of suicide. I hate being depressed. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, and need answers on how to find myself.
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forgot to mention [15 Jan 2005|11:59pm]

also forgot to mention that my dad and i went out to breakfast this morning and that was awesome... we talked about how the economy of southern asia was going to do after the tsunamis and about my depression and relationships and... it was awesome. it really was.

AND... on the letters in my last post where it says "david klinger' that's me... that's just the name on my outgoing mail...

there was something else... oh yeah... i'm a little bit worred that robin got upset with the things i wrote in that letter... the last thing he did was answer to my request of him giving me my numbers off of the cell phone... and he did that... and i sent him "thank you..." he's never online so i assume he just blocked me... i wonder if i should write him an email... probably not though right? just let it settle some more? i'm really curious about it though... who knows?
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abandonment [12 Jan 2005|10:10am]

[ mood | alone and abandonded ]

i feel like he abandoned me. had we been married, what would he have done? requested divorce papers? things got really tough and he bowed out. i'm now receiving help and he just backs out, plays chicken, and goes elsewhere for whatever he thinks he needs or wants. he says it is not him that hurts me. then what? he DID hurt me and he continues to... with his denial of how badly i hurt and his continuation of "i'm still there for you as much as i always have been..." he abandoned me. we got into a huge fight last night about it... and he said "goodbye katherine." he said that long ago. he gave up on me. fucking depression tore us apart. but then again, he was not strong enough to deal with it. now i mush search for a man strong enough to deal with me AND my depression. he gave up, and abandoned me. he wants to be friends. he wants the benefit of that good feeling inside of helping someone without actually getting close to the situation. well, i'm sorry, but the only people that can be there for me are those who are willing to get into the situation. otherwise they do NOT understand. he does NOT understand me. i am not supposed to make big decisions... and i made a big decision that night. it's too bad that he was waiting, just WAITING for me to break up with him. i swear... because he didn't want me back... abandoned me.... gave up... HURT me. just like my dad did... when things got tough he wanted to just not be there for me anymore... robin just wants that benefit of "i'm not REALLY abandoning you..." but he was the last thing making me happy. i can't even smile when people make jokes. i'm bitter and unhappy... i want to take the rest of those sedatives and sleep... sleep... sleep...

but i want him there for me... i'm just afraid that in his being there for me i will just continue to love him and long for him and never get over him like i must. because i must realize we are never to be. i'd never trust him to stay strong for me... like he doesn't trust what i say to be true about how i'm feeling... like i don't trust his ability to just say "no" to girls who can offer him what i didn't.

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