have you ever just been absolutely obsessed with someone? okay, i think we all have. whether it has been a movie star, front man to a rock group, or someone real... we've all had our obsessions. what about someone you don't even know, and don't even really like. i've got that. it's awful. i met this guy, hung out all nite... then we met up again, hung out... then 2 hours later made out for over two hours... then he said he just wasn't feelin it anymore... well, whatever. too bad, i was already hooked. he's not even that cute!!! and he's not even that good of a kisser. so then i IMed him, and he eventually in a very round about way, invited me up to his room. okay, he was in nothing but his boxers. then i went up there and sat in the chair. he invited me into his bed. then invited me to lay with him after i sat at the end of the bed. then while we were laying there he asked if i was cold and then pulled me under the covers with him, wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on mine... nice. perfect. i LOVE cuddling.. and eventually we were making out and wrestling around and he'd pulled me on top of him and all this shit was happening and i just kept having to tell him "no." "don't kiss me lower than the stomach" "no you're not taking my shirt off" "no, you're not taking your pants off." only later to have him tell me he wasn't REALLY going to do any of that. i've no clue. he's so damn difficult to read... whatever. i think i have two problems here. one being, of course, that i hate to lose. so the fact that he's out w/ some other girl tonite, which i unfortunately saw, really sucks and the fact that he never IMs me really sucks and the fact that he just doesn't want me REALLY REALLY SUCKS! it means i lost. whatever right? but i'm also so god damn lonely. it's awful. i don't know anyone down here and all these other people who have moved here have friends galore already. not i. what have i done? for one, i thought i was going to get moved to a new dorm so i never really started being social. dumb dumb dumb move on my part. and for two? i don't think there is a for two besides the fact that i just haven't been all that social. why??? i don't know. i need people. i'm so fucking people-oriented... and to finally have that connection with someone, even just physical, was incredible. and to have to lose it so quickly. i thought i was doing okay without it. then to have it and lose it makes it so bad because you see where you could be. and now i'm back here. and it sucks. i'm so fucking lonely that this guy who isn't even that great just has to kiss me a few times to make me obsessed with him. i want to talk to him, be around him, kiss him, be held by him... it's sick. because, like i said, he's not that great.. he's so weird, could be a liar, not that cute....... he said he doesn't like the fact that girls are always attracted to him for reasons they don't know, because then he has to hurt them. well, why the fuck did he kiss me then? why did we randomly hook up? twice? he doesn't know. he didn't feel bad for me because he made the move that first nite we made out. but i'm so fucking lonely. and that makes me want someone who shows any kind of affection, terribly. and yes terribly, because it's in a bad way. i should not want him. i should not check my AIM to see if he's there... i should hold out and see if he IMs me. but he won't. i know he won't. i should probably start back up on my meds... i feel that depressed. this probably just pushed me over though. my birthday is saturday and i'm terrified that i will be spending it alone. absolutely terrified. i'm terrified that no one here will care to remember. nor when they remember will they care to hang out w/ me and make it a good day for me. i just am getting too depressed w/out having people to be with all the time... patience katie, have patience. have patience, think good thoughts, and get your ass out there and meet people... talk to people, go places, invite yourself and invite others...... i just don't know about all this... hopefully it doesn't turn into being homesick.
-- and to think that at this point last week i was going to stop writing in this journal, and start a new me sort of journal... because i had had 5 such good fucking weeks... no pills, no crying for nor reason, no excessive sleeping... it was amazing. and now i feel it slipping away... i must stay strong, i must be optimistic, and i must must must go out and find people to be my friend.